“Can I handle God’s answer?” I wonder if I truly have what it takes to be the recipient of this desire.
It was a bit foggy, drizzling morning. The sight of placid mountains draped in clouds, the cool breeze, and the quietude of nature welcomed me. It was my second day in the scenic mountains of Baguio and it was heart-warming to gaze at its beauty. I just had my breakfast of crispy bacon, scrambled egg partnered with Ifugao’s best coffee drink. It was a moment of being carefree, composed, and calm.
“Why am I here, anyway?” the buzz of my heart resounds in silence.
I found myself writing down unuttered thoughts, all drifting in my head for a long time. I started to express my sentiments, piece by piece in a form of prayer:
I am here to unwind and declutter from work, to listen to life and God. I am here to bring my heart’s frustrations to God and inquire about my long-time prayers He has not answered yet. I need someplace far and quiet to try to discern some unseen connections and patterns that God is weaving in my life.
Like Habakkuk, I poured out my heart’s disappointments and frustrations to God about His silence. At that point, my heart was still glued to one thing it so desires, seemingly waiting for the most awaited prize from God. Yet, a part of me was telling me to surrender by letting it go. I told God that I was ready to give up that prayer and forget about it.
It felt like a soul tug-of-war moment, between choosing to pray unceasingly, wait at my watchtower or discontinue the plea.
Amidst the soul murmurs at that moment, I felt a sense of peace knowing that God hears someone who comes to Him like a child, messy with a wandering mind.
I stopped writing for a while to breathe the cool breeze, the drizzles, and the pines. Then, I pondered, “What is life like with and without God’s answer?” I sensed that to move forward in life with the specific desired answer means fulfillment. There is rejoicing. But it comes with great responsibility.
I also felt some kind of fear that I may not be able to meet the standard it so requires. I felt somehow insecure that somewhere along the way, it would fail – that I would fail to take care of the answer. I sensed that what I was asking for is something worthwhile that needs maturity, character, and confidence on my part.
“Can I handle God’s answer?”
I wonder if I truly have what it takes to be the recipient of this desire. I tried to look beyond and I saw that there are areas in my life that still need some refining of character.
On the other hand, not receiving the answer means disappointment, just as I was at that moment. But life moves on. I still see myself fulfilled in life, growing independently apart from the dream. I also sensed that I don’t need that ambition for me to feel content generally in life. I realized that my whole life does not depend on that one desired answer alone.
After hours of pouring out my thoughts to God, I left the coffee shop to do a reflective walk through the pine forest. As I walked down the trail, I listened to the stillness of nature, letting it sink into all of me until I felt renewed and refreshed in my body, mind, heart, and soul.
The two powerful words from 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (CEB) caught my attention, “Pray continually.”
I stopped walking for a moment, pondered on the verse, and sensed the Holy Spirit, the Comforter and Counselor of our soul, telling me in response to His Word, “Don’t quit now. This is just the beginning of an exciting life of possibilities. It is a process and I invite you on a journey.”
“What do you mean, Father? Should I continue praying about this desire?” I responded in prayer.
My soul heard no answer, but silence.
I continued walking and I could feel Him beside me, reassuring me of His presence, even without words.
The trail hike ended with a response to God’s heart, prayerfully uttering, “Let me delight Your heart, Father.”
The next morning, God greeted me with three beautiful words from Song of Solomon 2:10 (AMP), “Arise, My love.” I asked God what the words mean for life-giving insights and application.
Amidst the Word meditation and soul conversation with God, I sensed Him calling me to arise from my heart’s frustrations and preoccupation. It felt like an empowering moment from the Abba Father, enabling my feet to rise from despair with His divine confidence.
His still, small voice calling me, “Mine” or “His” was a defining moment of who I am to Him. It strengthened me of the security that nothing changes the fact that He is my Father and I am His child. I am His beloved daughter, no matter what the answer brings.
At the end of the day, who I am to Him is what all matters. He reassured me that He is my “love” and that He is a better “love” than my desired answer.
Then I came to realize that God is not after the answer that I so badly want, but the deepening of my character. He is teaching me to desire Him. He is preparing me to understand that His silence means “delight and surrender in My love”.
God’s silence is a call to a deeper intimacy with Him.
It is a soul quest of character-building, knowing long-suffering, and patient endurance until I learn to say, “I don’t need the answer anymore for God is the ultimate answer.”
I felt relieved. I felt peace rise within me.
“No more waiting,” I told myself. “It is time to discard my frustrated feelings about God’s silence.”
It was a moment of peaceful surrender.
I think that some things are not meant to be ours. Perhaps an unanswered prayer is just a moment to be free – free to rejoice that some things dissipate into better things. It is the freedom to discover a better answer, for the heart to pray anew, one that is in tune with God’s heart.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV